Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Life Seems To Never Get Easier
I wanted to dedicate this blog to my kids.. this is not really about them. They have been pretty darn good this past year, actually they have been pretty darn good these past 12 years. But this last one has been the hardest.
I raised them to believe that together we can do anything, that they just have to want it enough and it can get done. The problem has been I taught them to want it and I would get it done. Over the past year I have fallen into a form of depression, my belief in myself flounders.. This has to be especially hard on them as often we survived literally on the force of my personality alone. They had it pretty darn good, trips to Europe, Scout Camps, Band Trips and just day to day stuff. When things were going good they had it excellent and when things were bad they had it good. They never had to really do much..
This past year, my force, so to speak has diminished, I just couldn't fight it anymore so they are learning, the hard way that life can be rough.. sometimes they step up and sometimes they withdraw. What I find I resent is the anger and what appears to be contempt.. They have had it way better than they should have an believe me, I didn't get help from their father.. who by the way is quick to step in and take the credit for things when they are good or gleefully point his arrogant finger when things are rough.
Lately I have suffered often thinking I have failed, that maybe I am not such a great mom. Forget the homemade costumes and cookies, days as scout leader and den leader. The hours spent teaching ccd so they could go. The programs I developed so they could participate, the hours driving to and from swim practice. The music lessons... Maybe I should have said no a heck of a lot more often.. then maybe I would feel better about the pains right now.. Oh don't get me wrong, they will all have happy fulfilled lives, they will function in society and make something of themselves but I find right this minute I resent every single one of them